I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years next week. We started out hot and heavy. We were supposed to be friends with benefits. That didn't work out since we already had feelings for each other. We have been friends for about 5 years now. That's the background.

Now just so you know. I have a very HIGH sex drive. I used to not like sex. My ex for 9 years and me did not work well together. It just didn't work, we were completely different. And he was my first so I was really just ugh about sex. But I loved masturbation. Since I was about 6 I have done it at least once a day. So my drive for the release has always been high. Then when I got with my now boyfriend and we had this mind altering sex the first night, I was blown away. I had never experienced anything like it.

For the good portion of our friends with benefits we were non-stop getting it on. Nothing really special about it as far as passion and experience. Just great sex. When we were friends we used to talk about our sex drives all the time. He always said that his was high. And honestly during the time of friends w benefits I believed it. Then as we got serious and feelings came into play, things have fizzled.

I ALWAYS want sex. It is always on my mind everytime I think about him at all. But him....not so much. It has gotten me to question myself. I have gained about 8 or 9 pounds since we have gotten together and I wonder if I am just not attractive anymore. He still watches porn and jerks it. But he says that that requires no performance on his part and hes too stressed to deal with that right now. And he keeps reassuring me that its not me. He says hes still attracted to me....but only when I question about it. Very rarely do I ever get a compliment on anything about me.

Just so you know this really just hits more home for me since I really don't have a lot of self esteem about my looks as it is. I have it in who I am. But honestly the media just isn't nice. It makes you feel that you have to live up to this standard to meet what men find hot. And Dear God it's work. I have recently started working out and eating better to see if I can make myself feel better. But in all honesty it works for a minute when I drop a pant size. Then when I feel randy and try to work my magic and get told that "I'm just too stressed right now" it shoots whatever good I was feeling to the ground.

To the point. I am frustrated. I need some excitement and need to get out of the hum drum boring day to day. I would never cheat on my man. But damn it I don't know what to do to get out of this rut. Or is it just doomed?? I mean really how hard do "I" have to work? I can only give so much before I explode. I just thought I would ramble.

Man I am confused.

It has been a long time since I have updated on here. And man has my world changed. I am now single and have been for about 9 months. I love it. I love the freedom. It's different from anything I have experienced. Even though I am seeing a guy...it's not serious.

I'm doing things that I have always wanted to do. Like just pick up and take a trip to Austin with one of my best friends. I had never been before and it was exciting. Then I realized I am a little too old for the big city. : )

I'm still working in medical billing and love it. I plan on sticking with it. I'm good at it, so why not? However I do plan on going back to school, just to learn some things. Might as well. Life is short. We should get as much out of it as possible.

I hope all is good with you guys and it continues to be so.

Love ya!

Today I’m a little in different. I’ve read through some old journal entries and it’s made me question a lot. I feel like I’m a lot wiser now than I was back then, because I was a kid of course. But then I feel like I’m still in the same kind of rut as back then, with relationships and how I view myself. I know that I need to find myself and see what I want out of life, but I wasn’t aware that I was that far behind. Kind of kicks me in the ass to know this. It also makes me wonder if I’ll be married and happy before I turn 30.  Makes you wonder too, doesn’t it? ?Yeah I know it does.

I feel as if a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders. It’s not like I was having a huge burden on my head, just that I feel like I can breathe now. I have spent the last 24 years living for everyone else. I have done what I thought others expected from me, or what others would want me to do. I have never really done anything for me. I have never really made a decision because it was what was right for ME or what I wanted until I moved from Texas to here. I moved here after me and my ex of 8 years split, at first I said I moved here to get away from him, but as time has passed I realize I moved here to find myself.

Me and my ex have had a “past”, we have an on again off again relationship. And every time there was an off I felt lost, I felt like I would just die because I didn’t know what to do without him. We’d been together since we were kids and he was my first everything. I hated feeling so lost when we would split. But for some reason this time I took a stand and moved away. I knew for myself to survive I would have to get away and stand on my own. I’m still struggling especially since me and my ex started talking again and I saw him when I went home for Thanksgiving. I wanted to test myself and see what I felt and if I could walk away. I’m not that strong, I came back completely confused and wanting to go back. Now that I have been back for a little over a week and we have been talking on the phone about the past, I have realized I’m fine being alone. I miss him terribly, which is understandable. I still love him completely, but I don’t feel like I’m going to die if I’m not with him.

I came to the realization that in order to find myself I have to start doing what I want to do and what I feel like I should do. After thinking about what I wanted I figured out that the reason me and my ex can’t work things out right now is because I’m not sure that’s what I want. He hurt me a lot in the past, and I’m not saying he hasn’t changed, but I’m not saying he has. And my fear comes from not knowing if we were to get back together and not work out, would I feel like I was going to die? I don’t like having that feeling and you should never feel like your happiness is tied into someone else. So my conclusion was that while I’m still living here for the next 8 months I want to distance myself from Nick and date other people and just live. So when the 8 months is over and I move back to Texas I should have a solid idea of what I really want in life. Whether that be to go back and work things out, or move on and find happiness elsewhere.

I feel really strong that this is what will help me figure it out and will show me more of what I can do on my own. I hurt my ex very bad with this decision and it’s understandable, but I feel only sympathy for what he’s going through and nothing more. I wish he wouldn’t hurt and I wish I could fix it, but I’m done fixing everyone else and leaving myself broken. It’s time to fix me and then I can be a better person and learn to love myself for who I am.

Yeah so it's been a long time since I have posted here.I didn't even realize my old journal was still active.(If only I remembered the password) But anways!A lot has happened since my last post of course. It's been a few years now. I'm now 24 about to be 25 in January and still haven't accomplished a lot. I recently moved to the great state of Kansas from TX. I love it here, but wish that I could've moved here under different circumstances. Me and Nick still continued the off and on thing for a while and eventually got engaged last year. We were wedding planning and I had gotten my dress and then on July 24th I found out he was cheating. So I finally had enough and left for good. I knew that with our past this is the only way I will ever get over him and move on with my life.

My life has been basically in a stand still since I met him.We've been going back and forth and so on and so forth. It's been a waste of 8 years of my life.

I'm having to start over here.Having to get a new job after I spent the last 4 years at my other job in TX that I loved so much. But I have found a job for part-time right now. Hopefully I will have full-time soon. I need the insurance. I've started this whole dating thing that I have never done. It's kind of wierd.

But all in all being single and away has been pretty liberating. I enjoy me and what I want to do and I haven't had that in a while.

So I just wanted to start up by updating some info on here.Laters!